I think he made a connection
Auditioning for the part of Orangie in the all cat remake of Newsies.jpg
I wash myself with a rag on a stick
Sometimes Chad Kroeger sends me selfies.
THE LEGEND OF DWAYNE WILLIAMSON
I grew up in Luling, TX. I understand that you have no idea where that is. No one else knows either but you know when you get there because it smells like egg farts.
In school I played trumpet in marching band and was ridiculed by my own parents for having no butt in the marching pants. I have still yet to grow a butt.
When I was around 16 my aunt gave me a guitar and I decided I was going to be just like Days of the New. No one knows who Days of the New are so I guess I succeeded.
As soon as I graduated I moved to Austin, TX and lived in my sister's garage. I thought it was pretty sweet that I could open up a wall in my bedroom when in reality I was just exposing a single mattress on the floor surrounded by empty bags of fast food. But sometimes I played guitar with it open....for the ladies.
When I finally got the balls to try playing music in front of an audience I joined a band called Vagus as the vocalist and everyone compared us to Tool. My friends started calling me Dwaynard. Some of them still do.
When that band ended a few years later I decided I wanted to focus on solo acoustic stuff. Being in my early 20s I really only wrote songs about heart break and overtly sexual joke songs. Looking back now I think they were actually one in the same.
Around my mid 20s I dated a girl that did slam poetry. She broke my heart and I decided I'd get revenge by competing against her and beating her at the slam poetry competitions she went to. It turned out I was actually pretty good and in a few months I had qualified to compete for a spot on the national teams for Austin and San Antonio. I lost out in Austin but I got a spot as an alternate in the San Antonio team. Any pictures of me with a handlebar mustache are from that period because of course they are.
Later in my 20s I worked with a burlesque troupe doing some of the slam poetry and jokey joke songs that I had written for bits in between the sexy dances. It was fun but I still struggled with anxiety around the girls because I was raised in a strict Christian household and the ghost of Jebus still haunts me when boobs come out in public.
When I entered my 30s and I wasn't getting voted Sexiest Musician Alive by Peephole Magazine I realized I might need to broaden my horizons. Plus the decade long career path in corporate call centers had crushed enough of my youthful ambitions to start adulting harder. I had done my own recordings since I was 18 but I didn't really have a clue what I was actually doing. So I took off my "Who Farted?" hat and put on my "I'm an Adult Now and I Can Admit That I Actually Farted" hat and started learning audio engineering.
So here we are. Making music. I'd really like to make some for you and all joking aside, I'm really good at adapting and understanding the needs of the services I provide. It may not seem like I'm that professional by all the garbage you just read but when I sat down to start writing the standard over enthusiastic tripe that you see in most bios I realized that this is MY bio section and I want you to know me, not just a front page blurb about how enterprising I am. I play music because I have fun doing it and it makes people feel good. I truly believe that music is a beautiful language that surpasses boundaries and bias and I want to inspire other people to continue to do the same thing. It might not save the world but it can change lives. It certainly changed mine.
And yes, that is my cat in the photos. His name is Neville and no, you can't have him.